My partner and I each had several significant relationships before we met. We’re both in therapy and have learned a lot from that, so we’re very comfortable processing past relationships together. One of my partner’s past relationships soured quickly, which led to years of resentment and frustration before it ended. When he processes past arguments with his ex, he sometimes says she ‘‘picked a fight,’’ but when he tells the story, I quietly find that I’m often on her side. I find it odd that he, with all his otherwise tremendous self-awareness, cannot move past what to me feels like a somewhat skewed take on someone else’s valid frustrations.
I love him, and I always want to be on his team. But I feel oddly guilty, as a woman, for not speaking up in defense of his ex in those moments; she sounds generally immature, but that doesn’t mean she was always wrong. It also makes me wonder if he will someday regard my own real and valid frustrations as ‘‘picking fights.’’ Is it my place to (lovingly, supportively) challenge his understanding of arguments I wasn’t there to witness? Or is it best to bite my tongue and simply listen, knowing that all perspectives are inherently skewed and limited? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
On this topic, your partner strikes you as the classic ‘‘unreliable narrator’’ who effectively testifies against himself, providing the listener with evidence that his understanding of things is wrong. What’s more, you worry that you’re seeing the future in this contested past. Your partner seems blinkered in his view of this ex, and you wonder whether the same blinkered gaze will come to rest on you. So first let’s ask why you haven’t already shared your perspective.
I’m guessing that you’ve held back because you fear that your partner will feel unsupported and even betrayed if you take his ex’s side. For one thing, it’s hard to tell whether someone was ‘‘picking a fight’’ if you weren’t there to assess the emotional atmosphere and the tone in which remarks were made. He may think that loving partners will give each other the benefit of the doubt in situations like these — a fair point.
For all that, you’re entitled to your interpretation of those recounted interactions. I’m inclined to agree with those philosophers who argue that we have some scope about what we believe (and that relationships may affect what we should believe), but not when the evidence is sufficiently compelling. You think what you think. You also raise the issue of solidarity with other women, which might lead you to give her the benefit of the doubt instead. I don’t know how large a role this plays in your thinking. (One counterfactual to entertain: Suppose your partner were bisexual and the ex were another man, would you have responded differently?)
If this were simply a matter of the past, you could ask yourself how important it is to contest his interpretation — how important it is to get it right. But again, this is clearly also about the present and the future. That he’s assuming you’ll see things as he does suggests that he doesn’t understand you as well as you might hope. Are there other signs that you’re not entirely in accord about how people who are coupled should treat each other? Conversations about former relationships are part of your current relationship. The fact that this issue is weighing on your mind argues for finding a way to take it up — lovingly and supportively, as you say. Maybe gently contesting his interpretations of the past could lead to a larger conversation about how to move beyond it.
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